La Vie de La Chatte

Laura sent me a nudge, so...

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 13:47:36 GMT

I guess I'll write something. I haven't updated in forever because I've been wasting time doing other things. This too, of course, wastes time but oh well.
I really don't feel like being in school anymore. I really don't. The only reason I enjoy it is because my friends are here and I love having those "Canterbury conversations" every day. Other than that, any schoolwork I do no longer matters. I still do it, though, sadly enough.
There really isn't much new in my life - it's pretty normal right now, which is just fabulous. There aren't any MAJOR health problems or family problems, and I get to spend large and wonderful amounts of time with my boyfriend. The only thing I'm really concerned about is figuring out where I'm going to college, the planning required before and after I figure that out, and what happens once I leave. Ah, college. Maybe that's what I'll write about. I was talking to a friend yesterday who said she didn't want to be attached (i.e. in a relationship) when she went off to college. "Do you really want to be tied down?" she asked me. And that made me pause for a moment, because I don't at all feel like I'm tied down. Maybe it's because Keegan and I have had "the future" conversation so many times and we have both agreed to just see where things take us. I don't feel tied down. I don't see him as a potential burden or added weight; I see him as a small part of me I'm not ready to lose. For a lot of people freedom is defined as having no attachments, just moving and living on their own accord. And that's fine, of course. That makes sense. But for me, it's a bit different. Freedom is a state of mind. If I am making the decisions I want to make and moving and living the way I want to move and live, then I am free. And right now, I'm making the decision to keep Keegan in my life. I love him, and that's what matters. If something alters in the future, well...I'll just leave that to the future. The biggest problem I can see is that I will miss him too much. But I would still miss him if we stopped dating, so that's an unsolvable dilemma. The one certainty in my life is that no matter what happens I will always love him, because he occupies a part of me. That's something that will never alter, even with time. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds...

bleh and more bleh

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 14:22:10 GMT

Hello!! I didn't die, I swear. I'm just really, really sick. I stayed in bed for a full 24 hours because every time I got out of bed I would throw up or nearly pass out. I started to feel better last night so I was going to come to school today, but then I woke up at 3 in the morning feeling horribly nauseous AGAIN. I wonder if I have the flu. Both Becca and Keegan are sick with the exact same thing I have. It's so not fun. Make it go away....*whimpers* *clutches stomach*

Mais il neige dehors. C'est joli.

for the love of the dance

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 23:57:13 GMT

Okay so that was the most fun I've had at a school dance. Prom was cool, but I think this one topped it. And I was sooo happy to see that Ben brought a date! omg, like ecstatic. That's something that hasn't happened at Canterbury before. Yay, Ben!!! I was also happy that Chris agreed to go with Sarah L (he earns some bonus points in my estimation for being a nice guy), because I know Sarah was the one who did the asking.

My mom let Keegan spend the night on the couch downstairs, so he was here when I woke up this morning (after going to bed around 3 am...yeah). That was wonderful. Oh! I almost forgot. After the dance was probably the best part because Biz and her boyfriend, Spencer, went with us to IHOP. We were laughing the ENTIRE time, and there was this table of teenagers next to us downing "creamer shots," so Keegan and Spencer asked to join. It was so fun. They became our new best friends for the evening, and everyone doled out hugs before we left around 2. Even our waitress was awesome. Spencer showed her how to hard-core dance (it looks amusingly ridiculous, btw) and she totally joined.

The whole evening was splendid, just splendid.

Now, alas, I must return to the world of Euro. I didn't study at all this weekend.

Oh, the blackened sheets of paper

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 01:54:33 GMT

Okay, this is a story I have to edit for the National Magazine, Polyphony. It's so bad, and the extended metaphors are so strange and confusing, that it's simply hilarious. It's not terribly long, and you just have to read this. (Sorry I can't do links with my laptop.)

Matris Nostrae Gremium[1]

“Embrace the challenge of identifying your admirer,” he scribbled across the sheet of blackened paper that chose to lay her head upon his lap. He continued writing, but he never duly expressed the emotions that she elicited. The glint of her eyes empowered him, seeping through the head of a needle into his arteries – something maternal, yet incestual: it reminded him of his mother’s lap. He sat there – as a child – enjoying her expressions of strength. He enjoyed her lap, and he missed it. However, he could never return, locked within the uselessness of the present, the fear of what was most likely to come. He looked beyond the corner, beyond the receptacle that withheld other sheets of paper – other darkened reminders of hate, across which he had written (no, across which he wrote) - about his love of the earth. “The unnecessary challenge of leaving his bed,” he scribbled again. “The longer I write,” he thought. Her eyes reminded him of his cat, who withheld the soul of his grandmother – every woman he had ever known, no… every woman he knew. “I haven’t known many women,” he thought. “A withdrawal into a world of celibacy,” his conscience reminded him. Yes, his conscience… independent of his body… beyond the magnetosphere of his will. Yes, the magnetosphere… he thought of his body as a planet that orbited some distant star, while his thoughts returned to the sheet of blackened paper that chose to lay her head upon his lap. His hand dragged the pencil across that darkened reminder, the pencil trying desperately to capture her image: a child chasing a butterfly. It never accomplished that: it only obliterated her face, shamed him. Nevertheless, the blackened sheet of paper spoke to him, offering a suggestion that sounded more to him like derision than anything constructive. “A bestial man,” he thought, looking at his reflection: the illustration he had drawn – no, he drew – upon the blackened sheet of paper. He took a deep breath, and he spoke to the boy (or the girl, he couldn’t identify gender any longer) sitting at the table beside him, “The ugliness of my words – and my images - paralyzes me.” The piece of blackened paper left his lap, and she (or he?) promised to return; however, he (or she?) never fulfilled that promise. The sheet of paper shed her (or his?) skin, became something he could not grasp. He wanted to draw him (or her?), desperately. Desperately, he wanted to draw her (or his?) blood: most likely the color green… He wanted to inject it into the earth; it would pass into the roots of a tree. After entering the roots - ascending into the viscera of the organic tower, climbing the locks of the foundation, and kissing the girl who held the strands of her hair like an elusive temptress – it would fill the cells of an orange, which he could eat. “Yes, eat… he would eat her,” he thought. The piece of blackened paper returned. However, it appeared to him as two individuals, each of an ambiguous gender, each of an ambiguous sexual preference. They asked him to follow them, but he rejected the offer. “I will not entertain you any longer, but… if you stay… I will decorate you with images of beautiful roses… and the wandering souls of everyone who bears my surname, but no longer inhabit this reality… we will recreate them, so that they can destroy us… no, so that they can end the pain that they wrought upon us – the curse of our identity.” Yes, our children will kill us: they will progress, while we will regress – desperately clutching (and yet afraid of) the things we learned as children. They will grow to dislike us, but – beyond death – we will enjoy an obliteration of all things; let them knife us. “An endless sleep,” he thought. The sheets of blackened paper accepted his offer, and they gave him their bodies. Into his mechanical pencil, he inserted a stick of whitened led; while he kept the attention of the sheets of blackened paper, he decided to draw their images as pieces of fruit. His subconscious quaked maternally: “I will rear you, but you must not depict them as humans because they are not.” No, he thought, “My left hand – seated at the right hand of God – will offer the sheets of blackened paper a piece of my genetic material. Hopefully, their hands – the fingers of each of which resemble one pedal – will not reject my offer.” He scribbled across the sheet of paper, and the lines of the illustration that followed the tip of the pencil across that void - that blackened sheet of paper - resembled another familiar figure: the body of a girl whom he once loved. He grimaced at the images of his mother that consequently filled his mind. “Freud,” he thought, while he completed the portrait of the face of the body… Yes, not the body’s face, but the face of the body. His mind had conveniently – no, his mind conveniently - stripped that face of any of her recognizable features. He loved her – but he could not identify her: “Something maternal, yet incestual: it reminds me of my sister’s legs. I love her. I really love her… damn her, and the things that she regards as taboo: I want to touch her, and I will.” He continued scribbling across the sheet of paper, which rapidly became the image of his mother; he could not resist the authority of his hand, which rendered an illustration of that lap where he had witnessed – no, where he witnessed – his mother’s expressions of strength. He could not avoid it: he loved her – his mother - too. He finished the drawing, and he presented it to the identical sheets of blackened paper. They disliked the portrait… Too distorted, they said. He couldn’t find a word that described the mixture of emotions that their assessment of his work elicited. They paid him, and they left him. Without adding to his collection of work – a collection that would remain trapped within his mind’s eye (incorporeal, if you will) as a result of the paralysis that he mentioned earlier - they abandoned him; they never remained to keep him company. Therefore, he remained childless, and the illness continued to mitigate his will to live. “Exorcise me of my impotence, free me of that demon. I can’t cure the illness of my identity while she inhabits my thoughts. I want my children to know something other than what I’ve known – no, other than what I knew.”

[1] Language: Latin; Translation: Our Mother’s Lap

Yeah.

such happy, happy love!

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 18:20:21 GMT

Yes, I just referenced Ode on a Grecian Urn. I know, I need a life.

Lets see...haven't updated this in a while...I've been dragged into the world of myspace (ourspace, whatever. lol).
So -- things are supremely wonderful right now. It's hard to explain. I have the most amazing relationship in the world, and I've never been more in love than I am at this moment. Sometimes it literally just floors me. Also my family life is semi-tolerable when my sister actually takes her increased dosage of anti-psychotics, AND I'm not dying of anything yet. Life is good. Busy, but good.
It sucks that Takaoka won't take big group reservations for Saturday, but I was waiting for Biz to call and apparently Gregg never gave her my message. So. Maybe they'll take individual couples? Or we'll eat somewhere else. It doesn't really matter. If Keegan and I can get in, that's great (and the same goes for the others who were going to be in our pseudo group). If not, there are plenty of nice places to eat in Fort Wayne. Wow, I'm in such a good mood that it really doesn't matter.
My eight month anniversary is tomorrow. Did I mention I'm happy?

I've never felt like this before.

My only regret is that I don't get to spend much time with my other friends anymore. I love hanging out with my girlfriends, but if I have free time it is almost impossible not to give it to Keegan. It's like I can't get enough of him. I do make outside efforts, however, and there are some fun things coming up (such as back-to-back parties and the beginning half of Christmas break) where I can maybe start to catch up with people.

in case you haven't been paying attention....

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 01:58:05 GMT

R
E
N
T

i
s

h
e
r
e

OMGOMGOMGOMG
Okay, I'm done now.

.....
....
...
..
.

R E N T
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, done.

nothing to do

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 22:18:02 GMT

I really have very little to do tonight, and this is a strange situation indeed. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I mean, I'll talk to Keegan over the phone for a while, make dinner, and then go study at Barnes n Noble with Tina. But other than that - we only have three periods tomorrow, so my life is basically that stupid Euro test and then freedom.
Tuesday is my mother's birthday, so I'll get her some flowers or something nice. And then....Wednesday...November 23rd....it's RENT!! I have waited far, far too long for this moment. I don't think I'll be going with that group though (sorry guys, I don't want to go in the morning). I'm still totally wearing the hooker boots though. ;)

Tu es tous que je veux

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 21:30:42 GMT

Life really isn't bad, even when it is.

Does that make any sense?

You must know that I'll follow you

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 02:23:04 GMT

Yeah, I was right when I said Keegan wouldn't like the whole 15-hour drive thing. And yet he supports me, even talks of moving to be with me after he graduates (he's graduating two years early because he's freaking smart). I just finished reading the entire page he filled in my yearbook, and I was literally holding back tears. I never expected something like this at eighteen. Nothing like this at all.

Of course I'm not thinking of anything irrational like jumping into marriage (although some people seem to disagree with me there). The fact that it could be a future possibility never even crossed my mind when I first met him, or even after we'd been dating awhile. I tried to be so careful. I didn't intend to fall in love with him - you can ask Theresa, she knows. None of this was my intention. And yet - there it is.

There it is.

Just how chilly is Vermont? whimpers

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 22:32:01 GMT

OMG I am in LOVE with this college:

www.middlebury.edu

It's beyond amazing - this has the top writing program in the country! It even beats UNC at Chapel Hill. It is amazing. Mrs. Hancock told me about it today, and I was skeptical because, well, it's in Vermont. It's cold in Vermont...not to mention ridiculously far away (over 15 hours, people! Fifteen!!). But I can't help it. I'm just enamored.

I don't think Keegan is going to take this well. Of course, I haven't been accepted yet, but Mrs. Hancock thinks that the NCTE award will give me a significant edge. And this school doesn't care about SATs - they are more focused on my stronger points.

Oh, the writing program is blissful. It is bliss, I tell you. Bliss.

But why must it be so far away? *looks sad*

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 02:18:11 GMT

Ah, to be in love... :)

I'm really bored. I spent all day working on college applications and I finally have eight that are more or less completely done. There are two more left for me to do because I don't want to apply to Wellesley or Vassar anymore, and then I'm done!!! Oh thank the blessed Lord and hallelujah.

[insert subject here]

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 02:21:50 GMT

Must there always be screaming in this house? *sigh* I really shouldn't care anymore, but I do.

Let's see...I just finished my Mrs. Dalloway essay!! *is super proud* It actually isn't too bad, which makes me happy. And I even studied a little for AP Euro. Huzzah for time management.
I'm going to The Grift concert tomorrow night and I'm quite excited. I LOVE listening to live music, especially with friends and a boyfriend. Nothing beats that...good times, people. Good times.

Plus I just found out I won't have to do my editing job for the entire rest of the year! This is exciting, but it means I shall be broke. Ah but it is better to be broke than too stressed to have time to spend my money. Now I can spend it and be even more broke!! *ignores logic*

Sarah W - are you having a party any time soon? Because I have a birthday present for you and I have been awaiting news of a party before doing anything with it. (I didn't want you to think I had forgotten you, my dear. Although apparently I forgot my dad's birthday. Oops.)

And uh, er, um....pamplemousse.

It's funny how one person can change everything

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 02:15:17 GMT

I was feeling sad so Keegan drove over to see me. We talked in the park for two hours and it was a bit cold but the wonderful wonderfulness made up for that. I love him, love him, love him. Yes. Yes I do.
Okay, back to reading for stupid AP Euro. I feel so much better now.

No time to post anything

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:33:57 GMT

Eh. I feel all jumbled and such.

Je n'ai qu'une philosophie

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 19:08:56 GMT

Well, I haven't posted in forever.

I'm going to have such fun tonight. Keegan and I are going to the Haunted Jail in Columbia City (it's so much better than the "Haunted" places in Fort Wayne) and then we are going to carve pumpkins and stay up all night watching scary movies and gorging ourselves on candy. I love Halloween.

In the meantime, I have a lot of homework to do. And I have college things that I SHOULD be doing, but I simply cannot bring myself to find the energy it takes to do them. I visited Kenyon yesterday with Sarah, which was fun, even though my mother was making me crazy. She tends to do that. A lot.

Also, I still need six service hours. Mr. Rumage has been hounding me, telling me I won't graduate and he'll see me next year, etc. Why the sudden rush? Do I not have until the end of the year? I'll just get it over and done with next weekend then, so the world can realign and everything will be as it should be. I don't know where I'll find the time, but I guess I'll just have to make it.

Oh yes, and I feel much better now. I still get the stupid headaches - but no fainting spells! Maybe it was just an inner ear infection, as one doctor hypothesized.

Is it bad if all of a sudden the college I want to attend is 12 hours away??

un petit probleme

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 21:30:49 GMT

Aack, my corset doesn't fit! It is too big! Help me, please!!

I've been far too lazy to make long posts lately.

Anyway, someone help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See that little blue Honda civic? See it? Do you? That's mine.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 01:28:37 GMT

I have a car! I have a car!

Now I just need a license.

And it's brighter than sunshine

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 22:22:24 GMT

So...I'm home sick. Again.

I hope the school concert went well. I was sooo upset that I couldn't go - I must admit I find them enjoyable. But it didn't seem like a good idea after yesterday's passing-out-on-Dr-Werlhi episode. *sighs* I don't know what's wrong with me.
I haven't even started my AP English paper yet. It's been difficult to focus. I had an MRI done today because the doctor thinks there could be something wrong with my brain. I doubt it's that serious, but still...it's a bit hard to concentrate. People are being awesome, though, as usual. Sarah stayed with me yesterday while I was semi-conscious on the couch; Theresa brought me tea and muffins (yum); and Keegan has been there for me every minute - he even drove me to the Imaging Center and waited over an hour while I had the MRI.

I thought I was finished with my sickly phase, but apparently I was mistaken. That's perfectly all right, though. I can handle this. I do hope my brain is okay, but if it isn't - well, one thing at a time. I'm feeling increasingly optimistic about this, because pessimism would drive me into the ground (pardon the pun).

No one is allowed to worry about me. I forbid it. *shakes fist* I feel much better already.

The answer should be "no"

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 21:17:56 GMT

Holy crap - SICK.

Is something wrong with me?

American girls, all feathers and cream

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 19:09:23 GMT

So busy, so stressed, so much to do!

At least last night was wonderful. Keegan and I went to Biaggis to celebrate our six month anniversary and he gave me this beautiful silver heart necklace. It was so perfect. *beams* Then we snuggled by the fire for awhile, drank Chai tea and Caramel Apple cider at Barnes n Noble, and went back to my house for more cuddling, etc. ;) He ended up leaving around, oh, 2 am. We were therefore able to talk for hours. I know this relationship is special; very few girls in high school get along this well with their boyfriends. Shouldn't there be fights, irritation, yelling, crying...something NEGATIVE? It's been six months and I still haven't encountered a single pitfall. My dad and I were discussing this the other day, and he told me that I had something unique, something most people wished they had. He said I should hang onto it and I told him I was going to try my hardest. I think if Keegan and I both try, and if we love each other as much as I know we do, that we can make it. College is going to put a strain on the relationship, and possibly create some "negative" aspects we both have yet to experience, but I hope we can make it. I hope we can.

I've also given some thought about the key to a happy relationship. After talking to Keegan last night, I decided that it is a balance between communication, "physical" activities (no, not sex - save that for marriage), and intimacy. You need all three to make it work. If you have too much physical involvement, the relationship becomes shallow. If you have all communication and no physical involvement whatsoever, the relationship is more of a friendship than anything else. "Coupleness" is sharing everything with each other: body, mind, soul. The intimacy has to be my favorite part. Just lying there next to each other without speaking or moving - enjoying the warmth and pleasure that comes with being together and in love.

There's my bit of advice for anyone who cares to listen, whether you're in a relationship or not. You need all three.

Now I'm off to attempt to accomplish something work or school-related.

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 01:48:06 GMT

i'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all

well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
i wrap my fear around me like a blanket
i sailed my ship of safety till i sank it
i'm crawling on your shores

i went to the doctor, i went to the mountains
i looked to the children, i drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less i seek my source for some definitive
the closer i am to fine
the closer i am to fine

and i went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
i spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and i was free

i stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and i woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as i'd been the night before
and i went in seeking clarity.

i went to the doctor, i went to the mountains
i looked to the children, i drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less i seek my source for some definitive
the closer i am to fine
the closer i am to fine
the closer i am to fine

You took your coat off, stood in the rain

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 00:33:10 GMT

I went shopping with Sasha today and it was much fun. We actually got to TALK. Talking in Chamber class doesn't cut it, let me tell you. We just end up looking completely clueless when Ms. Morse wants us to actually play something.
And I was trying to go without seeing Keegan this weekend so I could get things done - but who am I kidding? I failed. He's coming over tonight for a few hours. I can't help it. I don't like going more than a day without seeing him...I miss the summer. What happens when I go to college? Sasha and I were talking a bit about this. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it, or keep the relationship as steady as it is now. But you know what? Maybe I will; maybe I won't. I don't want to set perameters or rationalize things right now. I'm just going to sit back and let things progress as they will. Whatever happens, happens. I'll always love him.
Oh and I had senior pictures done today! I'll bring the proofs to school once they're done. I even wore last year's Christmas dance dress, but I modified it so there wouldn't be excessive boobage. *shrugs* I can't help that anyway.

It is such a beautiful night. I think everyone needs to step outside and breathe for awhile, just breathe in the air and forget all these problems for one moment. Give yourself that moment. The problems aren't going to change immediately and most of them are out of your hands anyway. But try to spare yourself a little sanity. Take a moment. It really is beautiful.

Green eyes, the spotlight is upon you

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 02:30:31 GMT

I love my boyfriend.

That is all.

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 20:59:47 GMT

I love my friends! They're going to help make a corset for my Halloween costume!! *jumps up and down and yelps excitedly*

Why are college letters the only thing I receive in the mail anymore?

Because I knew you

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 15:03:25 GMT

Last night was so much fun!! Sasha and I sort of forgot the words *grins sheepishly* but it was such a small friends-only environment that I didn't care as much as I normally would have. We still sounded good, girl. ;)
I sang Panis Angelicus toward the end - and I didn't forget the words to that one! Keegan was so sweet when he introduced me. He threw his arms around me at the end and told me I had a beautiful voice, and...ah, the whole evening was just great. I loved watching everyone sing, too. My friends are all so talented! It blew me away.

Alas, now I must work. I have far too much to accomplish today.